Rivers and Roads
by clarksonfan
Summary: "It was completely silent as we stared at each other and as Sam's body shook against mine, I let my fingers slip into her hair and with a slight roughness I didn't know I had in me, I pulled Sam forward and crashed my lips to hers." One-Shot.


_**Rating: **M_

_**A/N: Title of this one-shot is taken from a song called "Rivers and Roads" By The Head and The Heart. It's a good song and I highly recommend listening to it. **_

_**iOMG and beyond has not happened in this story. Also, I know this is really long and I considered making this a two-shot, but in the end, I decided against it. I hope people will like that it is lengthy, though and enjoy it - but please tell me if you don't. I'd rather have honest reviews than placating reviews. **_

* * *

_- Nothing is as it has been_

_And I miss your face like hell_

_And I guess it's just as well_

_But I miss your face like hell -_

* * *

There are moments in your life when you just have to ask yourself, "How the fuck did I get here?"

It was a good, introspective question to ask yourself every once in a while, especially when you've fucked your life up so badly that you have no idea if you're ever going to be able to fix it. Not only your own life, but also those around you whose lives are fucked up because of you, because of what you did, what you chose to do.

I chose to do what I did and now I'm hurting two people in the process. One is aware of their hurt, the other is completely oblivious to it – but not for long.

I shift on my feet nervously, looking at that damn door. I'm trying to convince myself to walk over to it, open it and tell her everything and just get it all over with, once and for all. But my fear and complete cowardice is holding me back, somehow chaining my feet to the ground. I know what I have to do, my mind is screaming at me over and over to just do it. But my body – my heart – is keeping me here, in this hallway between the door to her apartment and the door to my own.

"You can't do it, can you?"

I jump at the sound of a voice I recognize, turning my head sharply to the right to see Gibby standing there, looking at me with something akin to disgust.

I sigh and drop my gaze, unable to meet that anger in his eyes for too long. "Gibby…"

"Freddie, just fucking do it. You've waited long enough. I'm sick and tired of having to hide this. I want to tell her every time I see her, but out of some stupid loyalty to you, I don't, because you're my friend." I cringe at the sadness now lacing his voice. "I don't know why, but everyday that goes by, I believe you're going to tell her."

I looked up at him slowly, seeing the sadness turn back to anger in a flash in his eyes as he continues. "I ask myself why I continue to be your friend when you're capable of doing something so horrid, but there you have it."

I look away from him. I can't look him in the face. I'm too cowardly.

"I swear to god, Freddie. If you don't tell her today, I will." I snap my head back to him in shock, surprise and fear. He just gives me a look that would kill me if looks could actually kill.

Unable to think of anything to say, my thoughts automatically wonder to the girl that seemed to almost always be in them nowadays. "How is –"

"Don't you dare ask that," Gibby snapped, somehow already knowing what I was going to say. "Don't you ever ask me that."

It happens before I even see it coming. Gibby punches me hard in the arm, and while I'm used to punches in the arm thanks to a certain blonde-headed demon, the fact that it's coming from Gibby surprises me so much that I gasp, staggering back a couple steps as I hold my right arm. "What the fuck, Gibby?" I exclaim, immediately looking at her door, hoping she hadn't heard me just now.

"That was from Sam," Gibby said, actual venom dripping from his words as he promptly turns on his heal and walks away around the corner.

I faintly hear the ding of the elevator as I'm awash in thoughts of her, of Sam. The second Gibby had said her name, my throat had closed up, my head felt light and my heart started pounding wildly in my chest, making my blood pump crazily through my body. I feel tears sting my eyes but I blink them away. She can't see me like that. She can't see me crying.

After god knows how long, I let out a shaky breath that borders on a sob, but stays just a shaky, pathetic breath coming out of a young man who was pretty pathetic himself.

I faintly rub at my arm as I turn to her door once more. I reach my hand out to the doorknob, actually getting my hand to close around it before I let go and take a step back. I'm not ready. Not yet.

I look back at the spot where Gibby had come and gone, feeling that ache in my chest intensify.

Ever since he found out, he'd been pretty much on Sam's side. I wasn't exactly sure when sides were drawn or if there really were any sides, but somehow there were. Sam had Gibby, I had no one. I wasn't quite sure how that worked out when it was both Sam and I's fault, but I guess something in Gibby made him sympathize with her and not me.

Sure, Gibby had been angry at both of us when he found out – had yelled and screamed at both of us – but after he had time to calm down, after he had time to process it, to get the story from both of us, he had stuck by Sam's side – and barely looked or talked to me. In fact, the little exchange we'd just had was the most we'd talked with each other in weeks.

Closing my eyes, I feel one tear roll down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly and taking one big, long deep breath, I open my eyes and force myself to walk to the door, take the doorknob, turn it and open the door into her apartment.

I was hoping she'd be upstairs so I could at least have a moment to gather myself, to prepare myself, to think of the right words – not that there could be right words in this situation.

But she was right there at the computer. She heard the opening of the door and she turned around, a glowing smile lighting her face when she saw me. I cringed inwardly and guilt began to rise even more as it always did when I saw her, was with her, talked to her.

"Freddie! I was wondering when you were going to get here," she said with a big smile as she hopped down from the chair. She walked right up to me and with an enthusiasm only she could muster, threw her arms around my neck and gave me a kiss.

I let it go on for a few seconds before I gently took her by the waist and pulled her back. She just smiled a megawatt smile, turning from me and walking to the kitchen as she called out, "Do you want anything to eat? I can make you a sandwich if you want. It will have to be with turkey and not ham because of course, Sam ate all of our ham," she said with a giggle.

"No that's fine, I'm not that hungry," I said, walking slowly over to the couch. I don't think my stomach could handle any food at the moment.

"You sure?" She called.

"I'm sure, Carly," I called, sitting down on the couch.

"All right," she said and I heard her starting to hum as she started to pull out things for her own sandwich.

I was a wash of utter turmoil and sadness and my girlfriend was a shiny, happy, bubbly delight. The fact that I was about to pop that bubble, about to crush all that sadness brought a guilt so deep within me that I lurched forward, putting my head between my knees, gasping as quietly as I could as tears leaked from my eyes.

I can still remember the day it all started a little over three months ago. It was so clear. Carly and I had been going out for close to 8 months at that point. I remember the day Carly and I got together clearly as well. For me, it had been a dream come true at the time.

It had been about two weeks after my 17th birthday.

* * *

Carly, Sam and I had just finished a show and while I immediately put the camera down and started on my laptop and Carly immediately went over to a beanbag and pulled out a book she had been reading, Gibby just left with no explanation, and Sam happily announced that she was going to get her daily dose of ham because, as she put it, Mama was hungry.

Carly and I sat in a companionable silence – me working on the website, she seemingly engrossed in her book.

But I kept feeling her gaze on me. I finally looked up at one point and saw her look down at her book quickly. I saw a blush emerge on her cheeks.

I furrowed my brow, confused at such behavior but then shaking it off as I returned back to my work.

At one point Sam burst back into the room and both Carly and I jumped at her suddenly loud entrance in the previously silent room.

"Forgot my fatshake," Sam said in way of explanation as she ran over to the fluffy drink she had left on the hood of the car, snatching it up and then stroking it like one would stroke a baby's soft head. I laughed silently to myself, only letting a smirk grace my features as Sam turned and ran out the room, although I didn't miss the wink she through my way on her way out the door.

I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but I didn't let myself dwell on it. It was just Sam being Sam.

It was silent for a couple more minutes before I started feeling Carly's gaze on me once more. I looked up quicker this time and she widened her eyes the moment before she looked back down at her book.

"Um…are you okay?" I asked Carly tentatively, wondering why there was a huge blush scattered across her cheeks.

"I'm fine," Carly practically squeaked as she kept her gaze on her book.

"Yeah, nothing says you're fine like squeaking and blushing like a maniac," I said with a laugh.

"Wh-what? I'm-I'm not do-doing any of that! You're crazy!" She said, skirting her eyes around the room.

"Carly." I said firmly, causing her to look back at me. I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head, giving her a look. A look telling her that I knew she was lying – and pretty poorly at that.

"Ugh, fine! Okay!" She huffed, tossing her book aside in an almost violent manner as she stood up quickly and walked over to me. "I have to- I have to…um…"

She seemed to have lost her bravado in the walk over to me, for she starting blushing again and looked down at her feet, fiddling with her hands.

I smiled slightly. Her behavior at that moment was cute. "Come on, you can tell me, Carly. We have gotten to a point, I hope, where we can tell each other things. Anything. Don't be shy with me, Carly. Please?" I begged quietly. It might be cute, but she was actually starting to worry me a little.

She looked up at my shyly and then started to stutter. "Well y-you know when we-um, you know how we went out for a couple of days last year?"

"Yeah," I said, confused as to why she was bring that up.

"How you saved my life and almost died yourself in the process," she seemed to murmur the words as she took a step closer to me.

"Yeah, I think I remember the casts on my leg and arm quite clearly," I laughed, trying to me a joke out of it.

She shook her head in response, smiling at me almost a little sadly.

"What about it?" I asked now. We hadn't said a word to each other about those couple of days together in a year. Why was she bringing it up now all of the sudden?

"Well…" She took a deep breath and looked up at me and I noticed the way her eyelashes fluttered as she smiled, taking another step closer to me. She was almost toe to toe with me now and I felt a little uncomfortable. She never got this close to me – except for those three days that we went out. "Remember the day we broke up, how you said that the only reason I thought I was in love with you was because you saved my life, that I only really loved what you had done for me?"

"Yes."

I still had no idea where she was going with this.

"Well…" She repeated, this time grinning as she said it. "The hero thing has definitely worn off and this time…I like you for you."

And then she kissed me before I could say anything. I was shocked at first, my eyes wide open, staring at her closed ones as her lips moved against mine, but then my brain caught up with what was happening as I realized that Carly Shay was kissing me and closed my eyes, leaning into the kiss.

It felt exactly like it had the last time we had kissed one year ago. It was sweet, it was nice and the part of me that was still in love with Carly thought it was perfect.

She pulled away slowly and I opened my eyes and looked at her, still slightly confused, but this time mixed with wonder.

"So…are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" I said breathily. Was I about to become the boyfriend of Carly Shay? The Carly Shay who I had been lusting after for for five years? Was this actually finally happening to me?

"If you want to be," She said shyly, smiling at me as red burned her cheeks.

"I want to be," I said, nodding eagerly as she laughed happily and kissed me again.

But as she kissed me, my mind didn't let me enjoy it properly. Because the second I closed my eyes once more, someone with blond curls, shining blue eyes and a punch that packed a lot of heat flashed across my minds eye.

It frightened me so much that I pulled away from Carly abruptly. She looked confused and a little hurt. "You retreated."

Her words were the same as a year before. But this time I shook my head frantically. "No no no! I just...I can't believe we're finally together," I lied with ease, grinning and kissing her again. I felt her smile against my lips.

Scared that I would ever be thinking of Sam in what was supposed to be one of the best moments of my life, I made myself push thoughts of her aside and focused on Carly.

A couple minutes later Carly and I pulled apart. I felt a little breathless, and Carly seemed so herself - maybe a little more than me, which was weird - but I didn't dwell on it. We smiled at each other, I held out my hand and when she took it, a feeling of content washed over me. When I woke up today, I had definitely not expected to be this to happy at all. It was a surprise, but a pleasant one.

As we made our way downstairs, a thought occurred to me and I halted, squeezing Carly's hand to make her stop to. She turned to me with a furrowed brow. "What is it?"

"Did Sam know you felt this way about me?"

"Uh...well...kinda?" Carly said with a shrug. At the look I gave her, she shook her head. "No. I never talked to her about them. I was too..." She trailed off, looking down.

"Embarrassed?" I guessed, dropped my hand from hers immediately.

"What? No!" Carly gasped, looking up. "I was too scared. I was scared she was would going to tell you before I could! I...I wanted to get the courage to do it myself."

I looked at her and she seemed genuine enough, so when she held out her hand hopefully to me, I grabbed it with a sigh, offering her a small smile which she returned.

When we made it downstairs, ready to tell Sam, our best friend - out of the blue - that we were now together, we were shocked to only find ham that was not finished sitting on the kitchen counter along with her - again, not finished - fatshake and the blond girl herself nowhere to be seen.

* * *

I didn't understand at the time why she was avoiding us, why for the next five days we barely saw any of her at all - and when we did, she found a quick excuse to leave our presence before we could tell her the good news.

But she couldn't avoid iCarly rehearsal - and when the time came, Carly and I came together, holding each other's hands, and told her that we were together.

I was surprised that she didn't look surprised. It had, after all, came out of the blue. All she said was something along the lines of "Who cares?" Carly reprimanded her, she groaned and amended it to "Congrats or whatever." Carly had seemed happy enough with that and she'd walked over to her notes, I walked over to my tech cart, and Sam turned away and grabbed a fatcake, tearing it open and chomping down on it.

I don't know what was going through her head or what look she had on her face while she was turned from both Carly and I, but when she turned back around, she had a bored expression on her face and she took one last big bite of her fatcake, finishing it off before walking over to the garbage to actually throw away her wrapper, when she usually just threw her wrapper randomly on the ground.

I guess I knew why she did it, because the garbage can was across from my cart and when she tossed her wrapper in there, her head turned and looked me dead in the eye. I couldn't look away as she looked at me with an intensity I don't think I'd ever seen from her.

I felt lightheaded for some reason and felt my pulse quicken as I stared into the endless blue in her eyes.

I didn't know what was happening to me and I tried my best not to let it show. I didn't need either girl asking questions.

Sam walked back to her own beanbag and notes a second later, but my pulse hadn't quieted for a good five minutes.

* * *

"Hey Freddie, why don't you watch TV or something so you don't get bored sitting out there waiting for me?" Carly called from the kitchen and I snapped my head up, wiping at my eyes quickly, trying to stop the tears.

"Uh, sure!" I called back, shakily grabbing the remote and turning the TV on, not caring what was on. Carly had inadvertently allowed more sound to fill the room and thus, me not having to worry about her hearing me cry.

For the months that followed things were as normal as they could be with all three of us. Gibby didn't understand what was going on most of the time, Sam still insulted me as much as she could and still got an occasional slap on the arm or face in it all. And Carly and I were doing well. We went on a couple dates, decided we still liked each other enough to keep going out, to really be boyfriend and girlfriend.

But even I felt what Carly must have felt, even if she never truly acknowledged it to herself.

We told each other we liked each other, the kisses were good. We got along - in fact we never really fought about anything - we had as much fun as we did when we were friends. And that was the thing.

Except for the kissing, being in relationship with Carly was like being her friend.

We hadn't even told each other that we loved each other. Me, who had told her I loved her almost every chance I could for about three years didn't even want to say it when I was in a fucking relationship with her, where it was okay, where it was accepted and appreciated when you said it. I didn't...feel like I was in love with her.

That scared me. Because the day she had told me of her feelings, I had felt elation, happiness. I felt like I was finally getting everything I wanted. But it didn't take long for the elation to evaporate.

But I still felt some sort of love, I knew that much. So I stayed with her. Because whatever love I had had to turn into the right kind of love eventually. Right?

Wrong.

About four months into our relationship, I felt myself pulling away, felt her pulling away. I don't know why I started to, I don't know why I let myself pull away. I just...did.

Sam and I had hung out as regularly as before Carly and I had got together, but for some reason, on the day I discovered that I wasn't exactly in love with Carly, I walked to Sam's house.

I knocked the window to her room softly, not wanting to startle her. I waited a few moments before the window was pushed up and a head of blonde curls poked out of the window.

"Benson, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Uh...can't a guy ever hang out with his friend?" I said. It wasn't a very good excuse, but I wasn't very good at thinking on my feet.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously, Sam. I just want to hang out."

She stared at me moment before shrugging. "Just let me get a sweater."

"No, that's okay. We can just hang out in your room."

"Trust me, Benson. You don't want to hang out inside my house," and she gave me a look that made me cringe and nod in understanding.

She slipped out of her window and I turned to start walking across her yard.

"All right, Benson. Where to?" She said and I almost stumbled a step when she linked her arm through mine. I turned my head, trying to look at her, but she didn't look at me. Her head was down and her long curls were cleverly hiding her face.

"I dunno," I shrugged, just trying my best to ignore her arm that rested against mine. It was the beginning of summer so I didn't have a coat on. She had sheer sweater on, and that sheer fabric was the only blessing I had in that moment.

"Ugh, you're such a dope. Why do I always have to provide the fun?"

"Because you have the creative, crazy mind," I smiled at her and this time I was glad when she looked back at me and smiled too.

"True. All right, leave it to me."

And when we were running away from a junkyard full of dogs after we snuck in - I had never been in a junkyard filled with watchdogs before and Sam had went to correcting that right way - Sam grabbed my hand.

And I didn't let go.

* * *

We had become even closer after that. We hung out a lot. Almost everyday that summer. I still saw Carly, of course. But over time I felt like I saw more of Sam than Carly.

Sam made me laugh. She took me on adventures, she dared me to live. I loved that feeling.

I knew we were somehow becoming best friends, but I didn't mind. I didn't hate Sam as I once had.

A couple months before anything truly happened between Sam and I, I felt an attraction so great that it shocked me to the core.

We were in the studio hanging out and watching a movie on the TV. Carly was sitting on my lap in a beanbag chair and Sam sat next to us on our right in her own bean bag chair. She was, of course, munching on as much food as she possibly could. That wasn't new.

But at one point Carly, who was falling asleep, stood up, yawning and saying that she couldn't stay up for the rest of the movie and that she was going to bed.

We both said goodnight to her and she leaned down and gave me a kiss. I wasn't sure if what I saw was a trick of the eye or not, but out of the corner of my open eye I saw Sam look away sharply and shift uncomfortably in her seat.

Carly pulled back and left and I turned to Sam, who was now staring steadily at the screen in front of her.

I watched the light play off her features and I noticed just how truly beautiful she was. Don't get me wrong, I knew how beautiful she was before. But that observation had been more objective than it was in that moment.

This time, looking at her made my stomach quiver, made goosebumps appear on my arms and made me swallow hard to get past the lump in my throat.

Her long, curly blond hair was beautifully styled and it fell around her shoulders in a way that the light from the screen made the gold in her hair glint brightly. Puberty had been considerably generous to her breasts. Her high metabolism kept her a good, solid weight - she was quite skinny and her skin looked incredibly soft in the the light.

She looked beautiful, but at the same time she looked real. She was a real person, not a fantasy. She was true beauty.

The realization was so much that I had to look away and gather my senses before she noticed.

"Get a good look?" Her voice sounded next to me.

"Wh-what?" I said, jumpy and fidgety as I turned to her once more.

"You're not very subtle, Frednard."

"I don't understand what you mean," I said stiffly. She snorted and then punched me in the arm. "Ow!" I said, holding my arm. That hurt. A lot. "What was that for?"

"For being a complete and utter idiot."

"Huh?" I said, confusion spreading across my features.

"You were checking me out and you have a girlfriend! And that girlfriend happens to be our best friend," Sam said, reaching over and punching me in the arm again.

"Um, ow!" I exclaimed. "And I wasn't checking you out -"

"You're so cute," She said, reaching forward and pinching my cheek.

"And why am I cute?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yes! Do tell!" I said sarcastically.

She punched me again in the same. fucking. spot and I yelled out. "What the fuck, Sam?"

"Don't be sarcastic with me, boy," She said with a glare.

"You were sarcastic with me!"

"So?" She said with a blank look on her face.

"Ugh!" I said, slumping in my seat and pouting, rubbing my arm.

"You're cute because you're such a bad liar," Sam finally said, grinning as she reached forward and grabbed her bag of chips, ripping them open and taking out a handful and stuffing it into her mouth.

I stewed as she chomped down on the chips and in my frustration of being caught ogling her like a moron, I did a stupid thing.

I reached into her bag of chips and pulled out my own handful. She looked over at me with wide eyes as I stuff a whole chip in my mouth and I saw the rage in her eyes as I was swallowing.

We were silent a moment as we stared each other and then I let out a yell and threw the chips in the air, standing up and making a dash for the door. I heard her cry of war behind me and before I could get to the door, she tackled me to the ground, straddling my back.

I struggled under her. I wiggled, shifted, used all the strength I had to fully turn over.

But that didn't really help matters as the next thing I knew she had taken my wrists in order to pin my arms next to my head, digging her nails into them as she leaned forward from her position where she was straddling me.

"Why the fuck did you do that, Benson?" She said with a growl, her face dangerously close to mine.

This position wasn't new. Her nails digging into my skin wasn't knew. Her face even being this close to mine wasn't new.

The fact that I was turned on by her straddling me was new. Completely new. That fact that my breath quickened out of lust instead of fear? New. The fact that her breath was washing over my face, making my skin all tingly? New. And the fact that I had to shift to make sure no part of her came even close to that part of me? New.

"I..." I couldn't think of anything to say in response.

"Well?" She said, tightening her grip on my wrists, making me wince.

"I don't know why I did it. I guess I was just feeling ballsy or something," I shrugged.

She raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck for?" And she somehow moved her face closer to mine. I could smell a distinct strawberry scent coming off her skin and part of me felt intoxicated.

I somehow lifted my head slightly, my lips closer to her lips. "I don't know."

Her face fell as I moved closer to her and her grip loosened on me, allowing me to free one hand and mindlessly, stupidly reach up and brush her hair out of her face and behind her ear. I heard her suck in a breath and let my fingers slide down her neck slowly. I felt her pulse quicken underneath my fingers at one point and my heavy-lidded eyes lifted to hers, which had been watching me the whole time.

"Freddie..." She whispered, a warning look flashing through her eyes.

"Sam." I said simply and let my fingers fall a little more to her collarbone. I gently brushed them over her skin there, back and forth. Her breathing quickened and her eyes drooped a little.

Not thinking, I moved forward until my mouth was at her ear and kissed it, just barely.

She gasped and whatever that did to her, it must have brought her out of her trance for at the next moment, she jerked back from me and pushed me back down onto my back as she jumped up from my lap.

She was breathing heavily, her skin was flushed and she was fidgeting as she moved over to get her stuff.

"This never happened, got it?" She snapped, striding over to me. I was still laying down where she had left me, unable to move. I nodded dumbly and she nodded right back, quickly walking past my limp form and out the door, shutting it a little louder than needed.

* * *

We went back to school for our senior year soon after that incident. Sam and I avoided each other for the most part. We were only around each other when we needed to be. I hated that as much as it relieved me.

It relieved me because then I wasn't tempted to do anything that might feel good at the time, but ultimately be bad after it was all over.

I hated it because then I never saw her. And I wanted to see her. Even with what happened that night, she was still my best friend. I wanted my best friend back. Also, I still felt something more than friendship for her. Every time I saw her those feelings were brought to the surface, front and center. It didn't help keep a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend.

But even Carly started to notice how weird Sam and I were being with each other. She voiced it once and I shrugged it off, putting my arm around her and saying it was nothing.

Since Sam and I weren't talking, we weren't hanging out like we used to, I used Carly as a distraction from any thoughts of Sam.

We hadn't gone all the way yet, but we had gotten to the point of a little under the clothes action. We were both still virgins and we were both not ready. Also, whenever we got too far in a make-out session, it started to feel wrong and weird.

It worried me that it felt that way, at least on my end, but I didn't voice any of those worries. Carly and I were happy, as always. I think the worse argument we had gotten in was over one time I had gotten detention because I had helped play a prank on Ms. Briggs with Sam. She hadn't been happy that I did that, that I put a smear on my perfect record. I didn't really care, surprisingly. I had chosen to go with Sam, I had known what I was getting into.

But...I wasn't quite sure I knew what I was getting myself into with Sam at the time.

I didn't know why I had feelings for her at the time, I didn't know what exactly those feelings were at the time. All I knew was that I felt something for her, that I was attracted to her.

It was wrong to feel that when I was with Carly, I know. I felt the guilt every time I thought of Sam instead of Carly.

I felt guilt when I stared at Sam too long, I felt guilt when I wanted to kiss Sam. I felt guilt almost every second of every day. But still, I wanted Sam. Despite all the times I told myself not to want her, to focus on Carly, it wouldn't work. I couldn't talk myself out of liking Sam, of possibly loving her.

I found out for myself just how weak and moronic I really was when Carly and I had been dating for eight months.

It was one of those nights where I craved to be on the fire escape. I did it often as it was a comfortable and quiet place to be where the only sound was the traffic below.

I had finished my homework and I hadn't felt like going on the computer or watching tv or anything else. I just needed some fresh air.

But when I walked out onto the fire escape that held such a big, unforgettable memory, she was already there in the chair I left there for myself.

"Sam?" I asked, shocked she was there. In all the times I had come out onto my fire escape, she hadn't been there. Why was she here now?

She turned around in the seat at the sound of her name off my lips. "Fredlick," she said with a nod, turning back around.

I furrowed my brow as I swung my leg over the windowsill and stepped fully onto the fire escape. "Fredlick? That's a new one," I murmured as I walked over to lean against the rail next to where Sam was sitting. I knew better than to try and get her out of the seat or ask her to get out of it. She would say 'no,' no matter what.

"I've still got it," Sam said with a smile.

"You sure do," I said with an easy smile as I stared down at her from where I was perched. She was staring straight ahead, seemingly distracted for the most part.

We slipped into silence as I stared down at my shoes. We'd hung out many, many times before this, but I felt a little uneasy this time - at least in the pit of my stomach - because somehow, both of us being on the fire escape made it all different. It changed it for me. I couldn't quite be relaxed and normal around her here. I felt so nervous. I was pretty sure why, but I didn't want to think it. At least not yet.

"So...why are you out here, Sam?" I asked quietly, still staring at my shoes.

"Well why are you out here?" She fired back. She was always one to try and take the spotlight off herself and onto another, at least with a serious matter or something she'd rather avoid. It was just the way she was. She deflected and blocked while I took and received with happiness. It was just another way in which we were opposites.

"This is my fire escape, you know. It's not weird that I'm out here."

"Why do you care if I'm out here or not?" Sam volleyed back.

"I don't care, i was just wondering." I stared steadfast at my feet.

"Maybe I just wanted to enjoy the view," Sam said, quieter this time. I was still looking down so I missed what "view" she was talking about - but I assumed the view of the buildings, the sky, the moon. "So why aren't you with Carly?"

At this I looked up at Sam. She was still staring straight ahead, but something about her tone had caused me to look at her.

"She's working on homework," I said simply.

"Why aren't you doing homework with Carly?" This time I watched as her brows furrowed slightly, her eyes narrowed and her mouth tightened. I wasn't sure what that meant exactly and I really wanted to know. And a part of me - the part that felt guilty - wanted her to be jealous of me spending time with Carly.

"Because I finished my own," I said. She opened her mouth, about to say something, but then she closed it and said nothing, falling back into silence.

"Why did it matter if I was doing my homework with Carly or not?" I asked. Why would she even care to ask that?

"It didn't. I was just wondering," She said, throwing my own words back at me. I sighed.

"Sam."

"Freddie."

"Why didn't we ever talk about that night from a little over two months ago?" I asked.

She looked up at me, surprise in her eyes. I didn't care if my out of the blue question shocked her or not. That night had been on my mind a lot more than it should have been. Whether it was in the back of my mind or front and center. I would always imagine Sam's light weight resting just above me, right on my waist, her breath cascading down on me and the feel of her skin against mine, the smell of her shampoo.

"There was nothing to talk about," Sam said, looking away from me.

"Bull," I said somewhat angrily. We had been on the verge of kissing, I know it. If she hadn't pulled away, I know I wouldn't have been able to help myself and I would have turned and kissed her right on the mouth. I was very thankful at the time that she had pulled back, because while just kissing her ear and touching her wasn't technically cheating, I still felt like it was. But now...I don't know if I was so thankful anymore. The need to kiss Sam was growing stronger every single day.

"There. Is. Nothing. To. Talk. About," Sam said through clenched teeth, looking up at me once more and glaring at me.

"We almost kissed -"

"Shut up, Freddie," Sam said and she stood up sharply.

"Look, Sam. I can't stop thinking about it -"

"Thinking about it? It was three fucking months ago!" She exclaimed as she cut me off again.

"That doesn't change anything and you know it," I said forcefully. I had stood up straight by now, no longer leaning on the railing and had turned to face Sam. We were now directly across from each other, looking one another straight in the eye.

"Why are you bringing this up now all of the sudden? What good will it do?"

"Bring us some clarity. Or closure," I said. Maybe then I could start to move on from her and get back to thinking of her only as a friend.

"Why would we need closure? It was nothing, it meant nothing," Sam spat in anger. The intensity she added onto her words made me wince. "Nothing happened."

"And I call bullshit again," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Freddie..." She groaned, running a hand through her hair and taking a step back, turning around and then turning back again. She started to pace. "What brought this on? Why now? We were good. Nothing has happened since then, we haven't done anything hurtful to our best friend. Carly Shay, remember her?" She said, looking me straight in the eye. But I had to look down in slight shame. "So tell me. Why now?"

"I wanted to bring it up countless times before, you know!" I exclaimed, feeling flustered, annoyed, guilty and angry all at once. This was what Sam did to me. She made my emotions go haywire and my thoughts go all wonky. It had always terrified and excited me all at the same time, for as long as I could remember.

"Then why didn't you?" She shouted right back at me.

"I don't -" I stopped, deflating as I tried to come up with an answer but found none. "I don't know."

"Then why are we wasting our time talking about something that clearly - as I said before - means nothing."

"Because it wasn't nothing."

"Yes, it was," Sam said through tightened lips.

"It wasn't," I insisted.

"It was."

"Wasn't."

"Was."

"Wasn't!"

"Was!"

"Wasn't!

"Was!"

By this time we were right in each other's faces, naturally gravitating toward each other, as we always tended to do. Especially in a fight.

"Why do you keep saying that?" I exclaimed, all my emotions mixed into that one sentence - except they were masked by something else entirely - hurt.

"Because Carly's my best friend and it has to mean nothing!" Sam said and her eyes widened as she heard what she said. She took a step back from me - I didn't like that - and looked anywhere but at me. "I didn't mean that," She said in a soft tone that was rare for Sam Puckett.

"Yes, you did," I insisted once more in that same soft tone. I looked at her, standing there with the lights of the city, the light of the moon, bouncing off of her and my eyes instantly took in her beauty. The way her long blond curls whipped around in the wind, the way her soft skin was shown brightly by the lights, the way her blue eyes darkened with what, I didn't know. The way her curves looked amazing in the outfit she was wearing, the way her breasts barely peaked out at the top of her shirt.

He lips trembled slightly and I looked at their softness, their plumpness. I wanted to kiss them so much. It took everything in me to stay put and not cross over to her and kiss her senselessly.

"It doesn't matter," She said on a shaky sigh, lifting up a delicate-looking hand to pull a couple stray strands behind her ear. I loved that too. She was a contradiction. Her hands looked delicate, but what she could do with them was anything but. She didn't seem like the type to get nervous or scared or fidgety, to play with her hair as a distraction. But when she did, she did it beautifully. I was already in far too deeply and we hadn't even kissed. What was wrong with me? "I'm not going to hurt Carly and neither are you."

"So...you...you feel something for me?" I asked tentatively.

I was shocked when she let out a laugh, although it wasn't actually a happy laugh. "Fuck, Freddie. Where have you been the last 6 years?" Sam said, looking at me sharply.

The look in her eyes brought a realization to me so shocking that I gasped and had to take hold of the railing to keep standing.

"You...you've had feelings for me all this time?"

"No duh, Sherlock," Sam snorted, turning around so her back was facing me - and I couldn't see her expression.

I couldn't believe it. She had treated me like complete and utter crap for a good four years. And for the past two she had only treated me mildly better - or well, a lot better, but still. She still treated me like her punching bag sometimes and at most, she treated me like a friend (and nothing more) so I was completely floored.

I had started to suspect I'd grown feelings for her before I even realized it for quite some time and I had only been aware of these feelings for a good few months.

But Sam had liked me, had felt something for me...since we were 11? For 6 years she had really liked me when she supposedly hated me?

"Of course I didn't become aware of said feelings for quite awhile," Sam murmured, her back still to me.

I looked up at her, brought out of my trance by her voice.

"But I've known about them, been aware of them for...quite some time," Sam said, turning around and looking at me.

"How long, exactly?" I said, taking a step closer.

"Long enough," Sam said, averting her eyes.

"Sam..." I said slowly. "Were you aware of them before Carly and I started going out?"

Her eyes darted to mine and away so quickly I almost didn't catch it. She didn't say anything. And her silence spoke more than words could in that moment.

"Sam..." I breathed, taking another step toward her. "Why didn't you ever say anything to me?"

At this she laughed sardonically and folded her arms over her chest, looking up at me. "You're kidding right? Are you that stupid, Freddie?"

"What are you...?" I started, unsure why she seemed so angry all of the sudden.

"Are you that unobservant? Are you that clueless?" Sam said, taking her own step closer to me.

"What do you mean?" I asked, still entirely confused.

"Okay, I'll tell you. I didn't tell you of my stupid feelings because of one name and one name only: Carly."

"Carly?"

"Yeah, her," Sam said with a sarcastic tilt of her head.

"But if this was before she and I were together, then -" I held out my hands as I talked, palms up, but Sam interrupted me once more.

"Oh god, Freddie! For someone so smart, you are incredibly stupid," Sam snapped, moving even closer to me. We were a foot away from each other now. "For as long as we've known each other, you've loved Carly. There hasn't been even one second where you haven't loved her. The day I met you, you barely paid me any attention because you were so focused on Carly. Every day since then, your attention and love was on Carly. She was your bright shining star, the love of your life, your stupid fucking soulmate. Even though that shit doesn't exist, she was still a soulmate to you.

You did anything you could to be with her. You even tried to manipulate her into kissing you on several occasions. To you, you were going to be her goddamn second husband. You were together once before now, remember? You saved her life, she adored you for that. You were happy as a clam the whole time. You had finally gotten your dream girl. And now you're back together with her and have been for eight fucking months. Every time I see you two, you're so happy," Sam looked away from my eyes and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I watched her blink away tears. Sam...crying?

"It's always been her, Freddie. And never me."

She looked at me and a tear rolled down her cheek. Watching it fall down her cheek was the most heart-breaking thing I'd ever seen.

"What was the point in telling you how I feel if I was only going to be rejected for my best friend? Who would be such a masochist?" Sam knew what that meant? Ugh, that didn't matter! "Plus...loving a nub? That's pretty embarrassing," Sam said and I suspect she said that just to hurt me. But what she didn't know was that I was already hurting.

"You love me?" I whisper.

"It doesn't matter what I feel," Sam said, her walls clearly coming back up, her eyes closed off to me.

"Yes it does. It's always mattered, Sam." She shook her head in disagreement and I stepped forward and boldly took her face in my hands. "It hasn't always been Carly, Sam." I was thankful that she didn't pull away, that she let me keep my hands on her cheeks. At her disbelieving look, I shook my head and stepped forward, making our bodies come into contact. She gasped slightly. "It wasn't always her." I looked straight into her eyes. I wiped away her tears with my thumbs softly.

"She wasn't my first kiss. The most fun memories I have don't include her. The most adventurous ones don't include her. She doesn't make my blood boil, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make me feel passion, she doesn't get me so angry that I have pent up frustration, she doesn't make me feel passion. Sam, I haven't be as happy as you think these past months. Sam, It's nice with Carly. But she doesn't make me truly happy. Sam, she doesn't make me feel alive."

It was completely silent as we stared at each other and as Sam's body shook against mine, I let my fingers slip into her hair and with a slight roughness I didn't know I had in me, I pulled Sam forward and crashed my lips to hers.

I felt her gasp as much as I heard it. I remembered our first kiss - how it had been awkward and probably not the best kiss we would have in our lives, but that didn't matter, because I had still felt something shocking, something good, something nice. The moment our lips had touched I had felt electricity and butterflies in my stomach. The mechanics of it all might have been what every first kiss was, but the feeling it left within me was very powerful and very scary.

This kiss ten times more powerful. We were both experienced now, we were both aware of our feelings and it was more passionate than awkward.

Sam leaned into me, into our kiss and I felt her hands grip my sides lightly. This was one of the few times she was touching me and not bringing me any pain - not trying to bring me any pain.

I heard her whimper and felt the whimper against my lips. The causing affect was that I growled and pulled her infinitely closer, bringing me hands down to her middle so I could wrap them tightly around her and bring her as close and possible to me as I kissed her more passionately than I had ever kissed anyone before.

Sam gave back to the kiss just as much as I was giving her. Her arms moved up to wrap around my neck and her tongue ran along my bottom lip.

Shivering at the wonderful feeling, I opened my mouth to allow our tongues to meet and tangle together in a battle for dominance. I smiled into the kiss. Of course we had to fight each other even when we were kissing.

Sam eventually won and I felt her tongue roam my mouth. I moaned and tilted my head, angling the kiss in a way that made it even more delicious. Sam actually tasted clean, as if maybe she had brushed her teeth recently or had a breath mint mixed with something that I couldn't quite place. I guess it was a taste that was uniquely Sam.

I felt Sam's fingers slip into my hair and her nails dig softly into my flesh and the sensation made me moan once more.

I was so caught up in the kiss that when she tried to pull back from the kiss - oxygen was needed to survive, right? - my mouth went with hers, keeping our mouths attached.

"Mmfm-" Sam mumbled, trying to speak. I wouldn't allow her to. I wasn't quite ready to stop kissing her.

When Sam tried and succeeded to push me back by the arms, I moaned in protest and leaned forward, "Just a little more," I breathed and I caught her lips with mine before she could protest.

I was completely and utterly addicted to her and we had only kissed once. But I was hoping she was a little addicted to me as well seeing as she didn't reject this kiss - she took it eagerly, bringing herself closer to me once more.

I know she could feel my now very hard erection through my pants - and I should be mortified, but I wasn't. Because when our lower-halves came in contact with each other she only moved a little closer and ground against me.

I came up for air only to let out a growl of pleasure and move my lips to the right side of her neck. I sucked and licked and I heard her gasp and moan, her breath heavy and labored on my own neck. "Fuck. Freddie," She breathed.

Somehow in our lust-filled haze we ended up against the brick wall, Sam trapped between it and me. I let my hands rest on either side of her head and brought my mouth up to her ear, sucking the earlobe and then nipping it gently. Sam whimpered and I felt her grind against me once more.

I groaned and bucked into her. I moved my mouth back to hers and kissed her with the same passion as before.

Then I boldly took her right leg, lifted it and wrapped it around my hip. She gasped at this and held onto me tighter.

I wasn't quite sure how this had escalated so drastically, but it was coming to a point where I didn't know if I would be able to stop.

So as I went back to Sam's neck and was sucking on that delicious skin of hers, she made the decision for me.

"Fr-Freddie...we have to stop."

I of course, didn't. It was like I had been denied something so powerful and wonderful all my life and now that I was just getting it, I couldn't let go, wouldn't let go. I didn't know if I had the strength in me.

But Sam did. She always was the stronger one. She took me by the shoulders and roughly pulled me away from her, my mouth leaving her neck. I felt her leg slide down from my waist as she kept her hands firmly on my shoulders. We were both panting heavily. I could barely focus on her through my haze. My hands reached out and touched her own shoulders softly. It was as if I couldn't stop touching her now that I had.

She shivered and closed her eyes, then shook her head frantically and pushed me with a force that knocked me down on to the floor of the fire escape. "What the..." I exclaimed, looking up at her confusedly.

"This was wrong. So wrong," Sam said with tears in her eyes. "I'm a horrible person. We're horrible people."

"Sam..." I tried to say as I sat up, but she stopped me.

"No!" She said, shaking her head and moving to the windowsill. "Don't, Freddie."

"But-"

"This can never happen again. We can't...this was so fucking wrong!" Tears were flowing down her face - down Sam Puckett's face - as she turned and jumped over the windowsill, running away before I could even move.

"Sam!" I called. I scrambled to my feet and ran after her. But by the time I got to the hall between my door and Carly's, she had disappeared. She was gone. Almost as if she had never been there at all.

* * *

But it did happen again. For a good week, Sam avoided me. And because Sam was the best at avoidance, I never ran into her. I'm sure she made some lame excuse to Carly as to why she made herself so scarce.

I was just trying to process what went down between us. As guilty as I felt, and I felt enormously guilty, I couldn't deny how amazing it had felt kissing Sam, how absolutely right it felt. I battled with myself on what to do.

And when I came face to face with Carly, I felt a guilt so big that I told myself right then and there that nothing would ever happen with Sam again, especially when Carly gave me a happy little peck on the lips.

So in that week that Sam avoided me, I started to avoid her too. I had been so caught up in the moment that I hadn't through of the damaging consequences, hadn't thought of the girl who we would hurt greatly if she ever found out about what we did. I hadn't even thought of just how wrong it was to be kissing Sam on that fire escape when it had felt so right.

Whenever I was with Carly, I felt like the biggest jackass in the world. I hoped I didn't seem too out of it, that I acted as normally as I could with her, but I could tell at times that she felt suspicious.

I had seen glimpses of Sam in the hallways at school, but for the most part, she had just been an image in my head, until we had to do iCarly later that week.

Carly and I were already up in the studio, Gibby was downstairs brushing his head replica's hair - He said he wanted it to look perfect, for some reason - and Sam walked in. I should have been prepared for the onslaught of emotions seeing her would bring me, but I wasn't. I had to look away quickly and try my hardest to keep my breathing in check. I felt my cheeks turning red and I cursed myself.

Sam didn't look at me once.

"And we're on in 1 minute," I called out a little shakily. Carly looked at me with a furrowed brow, Sam didn't look at me at all. I just shrugged with a small grin. She smiled back.

"Lets get our game faces on," Carly said, turning to Sam, who was ever the master of acting normal when everything was anything but, turned to Carly and made silly faces and noises with her. Gibby came in at the 30 second mark, extra head and all.

At the ten second mark, Sam looked over at me and our eyes locked.

At the five second mark, I started doing my countdown, Sam looked away and everyone got in position. "In 5, 4, 3, 2..." I pointed at them. They started the show.

At weeks end, Sam and I ran into each other. I was coming out of my apartment and Sam was walking around the corner. We froze.

I closed my door all the way and turned to Sam slowly.

"Hey."

"Hanging out with Carly?" Sam asked.

I slowly nodded, cringing inwardly. She said nothing else and went to Carly's door, opening it and walking in. She left the door open and I saw her and Carly start to talk to each other. Feeling like I was going through the motions, I walked into the apartment as well, closing the door behind me.

Carly saw me, smiled, came over and kissed me. My eyes stayed open and I saw Sam look away. I pulled back from the kiss. Carly just turned around and walked into the kitchen, asking if we wanted any of her special lemonade. That was a no.

I walked over to the couch and slowly sat down next to Sam. Instead of keeping her gaze averted like I thought she would, she turned and looked me dead in the eye.

"We are going to act like nothing happened, that nothing changed. We are going to act normal," Sam said quietly. I really couldn't find my voice, so I just mindlessly nodded.

She nodded curtly and turned away as Carly came back in the living room. Sam immediately made a joking insult about me and when I didn't really react, she turned to me and glared, and I could tell from her eyes that I was supposed to react, to be insulted and fight back, so I did.

Carly just rolled her eyes with a happy smile on her face.

* * *

Sam and I continued in some sort of limbo for almost a month. I wanted to change that fact every single day, but the guilt was just too strong. I hadn't slept with Sam, but making out with her was no better. I truly was a horrible person.

But what surprised me was that I wasn't the one to go to Sam. She came to me.

I was in my room, working on homework that was spread around my bed, my laptop in my lap. This semester was important, because it was the last set of grades colleges really looked at. So I had to make sure I kept my 3.9 GPA.

For once Sam wasn't forefront in my mind. I was too concentrated on my AP English essay. But that ended the minute Sam burst through my bedroom door.

I looked up, startled at the sound that cut through the silence that had previously enveloped the room.

"Sam?" I asked, immediately closing my laptop and setting it aside.

"Shut up," She said as she closed my door and started to pace in front of my bed. I was glad my mother was at work, because I know she would have heard the slam of the door and came running. "Okay, I have to say this." I nodded in my confusion, gathering papers up and putting the small stack on top of my laptop, moving to the foot of my bed, waiting for her to say what she had to say. "Okay. Fuck you, Benson."

"Huh?"

"I said, fuck you, you asshole," Sam snapped, stopping in her pacing to glare at me.

"What are you -"

"I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks. More than I ever cared to think before," when I raised an eyebrow, she glared at me and snapped, "Shut up."

"I didn't even say -"

"Shut it!" She raised her voice. I shut it. "You...I can't believe you, you know that!" She said, starting to pace again. I wasn't exactly sure where she was going with this, but I stayed quiet. "You're the biggest asshole there is. You never showed any interest in me for years. At all. And then we almost kiss once and you're suddenly infatuated with me?"

I wanted to stop her right there and tell her I wasn't infatuated with her. It was so much more. But she continued before I could - and also, I remember her telling me to shut it.

"You can't do that! You can't get together with my best friend and then one day tell me that you want me, that I make you happier than her. You can't say all these stupidly amazing things to me, you can't do that. And you especially can't kiss me! Not when you're with my best friend. My fucking best friend!"

"Sam," I sighed, looking down in shame.

"No. I said shut it. I'm not done." She took a deep breath and I looked up, meeting her eyes. "You can't just decide one day to declare basically everything to me but love. You can't just all of the sudden have these feelings and act on them, especially when you have a girlfriend that is not me. It's rude and it makes you a complete and utter asshole, Freddie."

"Well I didn't know you felt anything until that night either!" I argued, shooting up off the bed. "Sam, you are the master at hiding your feelings. How was I supposed to know how you felt for me when all you did was rag on me? Day after day you made it clear you hated me. How was I supposed to get that you liked me out of all of that?"

"You just were!" She shouted.

"Oh, so were you just supposed to know how I felt too, then? Stop calling me an asshole when you did the same thing, Sam."

"I didn't do the same thing! I never acted on my feelings!" Sam said. Somehow I felt like she was grasping at straws, as if she was determined to blame the whole thing on me, as if she was 100 percent innocent in all of this.

"Yes, you did! The moment you told me about your feelings, you acted on them," I said in frustration and anger and emotional exhaustion. This was all so draining. "So don't try and pin this all on me when you are half to blame. You told me about your feelings, you kissed me back."

Sam didn't say anything to that. She only breathed heavily in and out and glared at me. I glared back, although I smiled inside. For once I had rendered Sam speechless. But eventually I felt the energy drain out of me and I slumped, relaxing my stance and just looked at Sam, shrugging in a helpless gesture. I didn't know what we were supposed to do now.

Sam deflated too. She sighed, looking down at the ground and then back up at me.

"We really screwed up, didn't we?" Sam said quietly, looking up at me with sad eyes.

"Yeah, we did," I said with a nod.

"We have to tell Carly," Sam said, almost brokenly.

"We do," I said painfully. She had to know that we had kissed. It wasn't fair to keep lying to her.

We stood in silence for a moment before we looked at each other and Sam's face tightened somewhat as she strode forward and, surprising me, she took my mouth in a kiss, taking me by the shoulders. This kissed seemed a little different than the ones before. It was passionate, yes. But it was softer, more meaningful. But it didn't feel like a goodbye kiss.

Sam pulled back slowly and and we opened our eyes, brown meeting blue. Our breaths mixed together as we stayed still.

I felt myself leaning forward and then Sam was leaning forward too and we met in another kiss. But this time we didn't stop.

We fell backwards onto my bed, kissing heatedly. I brought a hand up to her head and tangled my fingers in the blonde curls and we crawled up my bed, never breaking the kiss. I could hear our own lips smacking together in the silence the room held. I could hear our breaths, labored and heavy as passion took over.

Our legs tangled together, our bodies lined up to fit perfectly.

Passion overtook me and I rolled our bodies over so that I was on top. I broke the kiss only to take my laptop and papers and put them on the floor before attaching my mouth back to Sam's.

I moved my mouth to her neck down to her collarbone, all the way down to the valley between her breasts. Then I moved my hands to her waist and touched the sliver of skin that peeked out softly. I heard her intake of breath and allowed my hands to move higher, bringing the edge of her shirt up with them.

"Take it off," I heard Sam whisper. I looked up at her, my mouth moving away from her skin.

"What?" I asked, breathless.

Sam sat up, pushing me up with her and with no preamble, Sam lifted her shirt up and over head, flinging it to the floor.

My breath hitched in my throat and my eyes dropped to her bra-clad breasts.

"Now you," Sam said. I blindly took my shirt and lifted it over my head before I could think about it. Sam bit her lip and looked at my chest, and her hands came up and rested there. I shivered at the sensation of her hands on me. "I always tried to imagine what was under those shirts of yours, but..." She moaned and ran her nails lightly along my skin, moving down my chest to my stomach. I sucked in a breath. I had been working out for close to two years now and the end result was muscles. My arms were fairly big, and I think I was well on my way to a six-pack.

Sam leaned forward and kissed the skin right over my heart. "This heart is a good one," Sam said.

A pain I wasn't sure was good or bad filled my chest and I blinked away tears and let out a shaky breath. I pulled her back just enough to lay my own lips approximately where her heart was. "So is this one," I breathed.

I looked up at her and we kissed softly. I let my hands rest lightly on her back before I moved them up to the clasp of her bra. I had never actually undone a bra clasp before - Carly and I had never gone that far - much less seen a woman's breasts before. I tried to be confident in my movements anyway.

I used both hands to undo it and with just a little fumbling, I got it undone. We pulled back from the kiss and I took her bra straps and slid them down her arms. I made sure not to look at her breasts as I finished taking her bra off and tossing it off to the side.

She was beautiful.

I let my hands rest on her stomach as I gently pushed her back on the bed and kissed her. My hands wandered up and gently cupped her breasts. I had never touched a woman's breasts before under their shirt and bra. I like to think I handled it confidently. Her breath quickened even more and she moaned when I started to massage them gently in my hands.

"Freddie," She breathed against my lips, arching up into my hands. I moaned and squeezed her breasts, pushing them up.

"Can I..." I trailed off, not sure how to ask her about wanting to put my mouth on her breasts.

"Yes?"

I broke our kiss and cleared my throat. "Can I put my mouth...on you?" I asked shyly. She seemed nervous, but she nodded anyway. "I'd never intentionally hurt you, Sam," I said, trying to get her to understand that I only wanted to bring her pleasure.

"I know," She nodded.

I kissed her lightly and then moved down her body until my head was level with her breasts and then, releasing her left breast and placing my free hand on her stomach, I leaned forward and tentatively licked her nipple. She gasped loudly.

"Was that good?" I asked, unsure.

"Yes. Yes," She breathed, nodding eagerly and closing her eyes.

More confident this time, I took her whole nipple in my mouth and sucked. Sam was moaning, grabbing my hair in her hands. One hand massaged her right breast while I sucked, nipped, licked at her left breast.

"Oh god," Sam moaned.

My free hand moved down her stomach and I bravely continued southward. While my mouth ventured over to her right breast, my right hand ventured down to her jean-clad center. I boldly cupped my whole hand over her. She bucked against my hand in surprise and then instinctively started moving against my hand.

Sam's hands ran through my hair, tugged on it, then moved down to my shoulder blades. I felt her nails dig in slightly, but not enough to be painful.

Kissing back up her chest, her neck, her jaw, I made it back to her mouth and kissed her soundlessly. Then I pulled back and moved down the bed to get off of it. Standing at the foot of the bed, I nervously unbuttoned my jeans, drew down the zipper and pulled my jeans down and stepped out of them, leaving me in my blue and red checkered boxers.

Sam leaned up on her elbows, watching me. I saw the hunger mixed with nervousness and was happy she was feeling the same way as me. We were on the same page.

I leaned down and took Sam's shoes off. The fact that they were worn out converse made me smile. I slipped her socks off and then lowered myself back on the bed. My hands went to her own jeans and I looked up at her to make sure it was okay. She nodded with a small smile as I undid her jeans and slid them down her legs.

I came back up and over her and we kissed eagerly, Sam opening her legs so I could fit against her. She then wrapped them around my waist.

We groaned together as we started to grind against each other.

Our hands roamed all over the other's body, the air became thicker, hotter. Sam relaxed her legs at one point and started to tug my boxers down.

I was incredibly nervous about her seeing me, but I moved so she could slip them all the way down to my legs. I kicked them off the rest of the way. I gave her a moment to look down at me - I saw her eyes widen. "What?" I breathed, worried. Did I not look...good?

"You're just bigger than I imagined," Sam said, swallowing thickly and looking up at me. "But it's okay. It shocked me, but I like it," She smirked.

I smirked back, although I couldn't stop myself from blushing. Sam laughed and kissed me. "Do you have a condom?" She asked.

I nodded and quickly got rid of her panties. I took my own moment to appreciate her. "You're beautiful," I said reverently, looking up at her with a smile.

She blushed herself and I grinned. "Yeah yeah, whatever."

"Not whatever," I said as I cupped her face in my hand. "You are beautiful."

She smiled.

I kissed her, taking a moment to just lay there with her, tasting her. My erection brushed against her leg and while I blushed, I didn't allow myself to dwell on the fact that she could not only see it, but feel it.

I reached over quickly to my nightstand, reaching in to get the box of condoms that were unopened. I sat up and opened the box, pulling one out and then tossing the box aside.

"Is that the first box you've ever bought?" Sam asked.

I looked at her, sure what her question implied. "Yes." I said simply.

"So you've never used a condom?"

"No," I shook my head, telling her clearly with my eyes that I was still a virgin - although I wouldn't be for long.

She only nodded and I ripped the wrapper open, and with shaking hands, slid it onto my length. Sam watched me the whole time. I moved on top of her to bring my face level with hers and position my cock at her entrance.

"I'm a virgin too, Freddie," Sam said, looking at me nervously.

I nodded. "I'll be really careful, Sam. I don't want to hurt you."

"Just...go slow," Sam said, putting her hands on my shoulders.

I nodded again and moved forward so that the head of my cock was in her entrance. We looked at each other as I started to slowly slide in. I felt immense pleasure and Sam seemed to be feeling the same thing, that is until I reach her barrier.

I stopped moving forward at that point, scared to push through and break her hymen. I was scared of the moment when Sam's expression would turn into one of pain.

"Just do it, Freddie," Sam said, determination on her face.

"I don't want to hurt you," I said shakily, holding myself above her. I was in between my own personal heaven and hell. She felt amazing around me, but if I push forward it wouldn't feel good for her.

"We can't avoid it. It will fade in a bit. This pain won't last, Freddie. Just do it, please," Sam said.

"Okay," I whispered and slowly slid forward, although I had to use extra force to break through. I immediately saw the pain cross her features.

"Stop, stop," She said immediately, squeezing my shoulders roughly. I froze.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I said painfully, holding completely still.

"Don't say sorry. This is no one's fault," Sam said, closing her eyes.

I stayed still as she tried to get over the sting of her hymen being broken, of feeling someone being inside of her for the first time.

"Okay, move forward," Sam said. I nodded and kept pushing forward, noticing the pain on her face, but gritted my teeth and pushed forward until I was all the way inside her. Then I stopped, resting against her and waiting for the pain to leave her face. She had her eyes closed, her nails were digging into my shoulders to the point where I was sure some blood was drawn - and I though it only fair. I'm sure there would be some blood on the sheets I'd have to wash away. She shouldn't be the only one who has to bleed.

Sam let out a shaky breath and a half sob tore through her throat and I felt like a monster for causing her any pain.

"Sam, Sam...please, I'm so sorry," I said shakily as I rested my forehead against hers. I brought one hand up and wiped at a tear that fell down her cheek. "Please," I said, not entirely sure what I was begging for.

"Just hold still. Don't move," Sam said in response even though I was doing just that already.

"Okay," I nodded against her forehead. And I realized now that I was begging for her to be okay, to not be in any more pain.

We stayed like that with both our eyes closed. Her body was rigid with pain, mine was rigid with restraint. It took everything in me not to move.

But soon I felt her let out a long, shaky breath and then I felt her body relax. I opened my eyes to find her already staring at me. "Okay, move," She whispered.

I nodded and barely moved forward. It brought me pleasure and I had to close my eyes and stop moving so I didn't start moving too fast too soon.

"It's okay, Freddie. It isn't so painful anymore," Sam whispered, smiling at me.

"I just don't want to move too fast. I want this to be special," I whispered back.

"It is. Trust me," Sam said and she brought her hips up, making me burrow deeper into her. I gasped and jerked my hips involuntarily. "Oh," Sam gasped and when she closed her eyes this time, I saw pleasure wash across her face, not pain. Seeing that allowed me to slowly pull all the way out and then thrust back in slowly.

I moaned and closed my eyes, moving almost all the way out and then back in again, doing this several times before I started to quicken my pace slightly.

"Freddie," Sam moaned, arching her hips up to meet me. This is what I had wanted. Sam getting the same amount of pleasure from me as I was getting from her. "Fuck me," Sam growled.

"I already am," I said with a laugh which in turn made Sam laugh and kiss me.

I started to move marginally faster and started to gain more and more pleasure and I was happy to see Sam was as well. She fully wrapped her legs around my waist and kept arching up to meet me stroke for stroke.

"Fuck," I said, burying my head in the left side of her neck. Sam's hands made their way back to my hair and we were both moaning, it was getting harder to breath properly and we were the only thing on each other's mind. I felt Sam tighten her legs around me and around my dick and I growled, feeling a pleasure I had never felt before as I quickened my thrusts.

"Oh god oh god, fuck!" Sam exclaimed, arching higher than ever before, making me go the farthest inside her yet. We both gasped loudly at the sensation and after that I could feel myself building toward that edge.

"Oh god, I'm going to come," I said, grunting as I thrust into her hard over and over again. Sweat was mingling between our bodies, on our faces. And before she came, before I came, our eyes locked. I liked to think she was saying the same thing with her eyes as I was. I liked to think she was saying 'I love you' as well.

"Freddie!" She threw her head back, breaking our eye contact as she let out a pleasure-filled scream as she came beneath me. I felt her squeezing me deliciously and a few thrusts after she came, I came, freezing on top of her and shuddering as I let go, releasing myself into the condom and then collapsing on top of Sam in exhaustion.

We were broth breathing heavily as if we'd just ran a marathon, we were sweaty like we had just ran a marathon, except we actually felt amazing as we held onto each other.

I stayed on top of and inside Sam for a good five minutes in which we did and said absolutely nothing, except for Sam's fingers running softly over my back. At one point Sam's legs slid down from my waist.

When I finally found the strength to pull out of Sam, we both took an intake of breath at the feeling of disconnect. Then I gently rolled off of her, both of us now lying on our backs, staring at the ceiling.

I looked to my left at Sam slowly and a second later she turned her head to look at me. I lifted my hand to gently hold her chin and rub it with my thumb in an adoring manner.

"What are we gonna do?" I asked softly, breaking the silence that had rained down on us.

"I don't know," Sam said simply, looking away.

Sam had left soon after that and I hadn't complained. As much as I wanted her to say there, to sleep in the same bed as me, I knew we couldn't do that. She wasn't my girlfriend. She had simply turned to me, gave me a soft kiss, dressed and left without a word.

* * *

Just like with what had happened before, facing Carly and each other was hard. There were a few days where didn't see or talk to each other and the guilt when I looked at Carly was so bad that I could barely be in her presence. Couldn't look at the girl I knew I would be hurting eventually. Because I wasn't stupid. I knew Carly would have to find out eventually. The truth always came out, no matter what or no matter how hard you tried.

I just wasn't ready to tell her. And neither was Sam, apparently, because when Sam and I did run into each other, Sam told me she hadn't told Carly yet and I confirmed the same for me.

Somehow we were able to act as normal as we could around everyone else. But we couldn't keep our hands off each other when we were alone.

For about a month we snuck around. It was too late to act like nothing happened with each other, too late to act like we didn't have feelings for each other.

"You sure you don't want a sandwich?" Carly's voice snapped me out of my thoughts and memories and I looked up at her, nodding my head quickly.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Kay," Carly said as she plopped down next to me and moved my arm so that it was resting around her shoulders. She snuggled into me as she started to eat her sandwich. "What are you watching?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"What is this?" She laughed, pointing at the TV. I looked at the screen and some infomercial was on.

"I don't know," I shrugged.

"Then you won't mind if I change it?" Carly said, sitting up and reaching for the remote.

"Nope."

As Carly started flipping through the channels, I tried to think a way to tell her that I had slept with her best friend, that I had cheated on her, multiple times. "Is uh...Spencer home?" I asked, looking toward his room. Spencer had no idea about Sam and I. But I knew if he did he would kill me and bring me back to life just so he could kill me again. Gibby was the only one who knew. He had walked in on Sam and I in my apartment. My mom had been at work, Carly was still at school, and so we were making out on my couch, completely caught up in each other.

For reasons I still wasn't entirely sure of, Gibby had walked into my apartment and whatever words were on his lips died as Sam and I broke apart, moving away from each other.

"No, he's helping Socko's grandmother with something," Carly said.

That helped things a little bit. When Carly killed me herself at least she wouldn't bring me back to life and kill me again as Spencer would.

"Carly?" I said slowly, sitting forward.

"Yeah?" She asked, turning to me.

"I kind of need to tell you something," I said, my heart already pounding in fear.

"Okay," Carly said, taking a bite of your sandwich.

"Okay, look..." I said and gently taking the sandwich out of her hand and the plate out of both her hands, I put it on the table. Carly looked at me, confused. As I looked down and tried to gather my thoughts, what exactly I was going to say, memories flooded my mind.

_"This is wrong," Sam whispered, her back facing me. I sigh and turned on my side, stretching my arm around her, pulling her closer to me._

_"Yes."_

_"Then why do we keep doing it?" Sam said._

I didn't have an answer for her at the time. "Carly, have we ever...we've never told each other that we love each other, have we?"

_"Freddie, why do we keep doing this?" Sam whispered. She always asked the same thing afterward, pain and guilt in her voice._

_"I don't know," I whisper back. That was always my answer._

_"Why do **you** keep doing it?" Sam asked, the same question slightly modified to just fit me._

_I wrapped my arm around her waist as I usually did, but this time I rolled her over with it so I could look into her eyes. "Because I love you," I said with 100 percent seriousness._

"Um...I don't know," Carly shrugged.

"Carly," I sigh. "We never have. We've been going out for almost a year. Not once have we said that to each other."

"But...why are you bringing this up now?"

"Carly...don't you feel like we're kind of just drifting along in this relationship? Like we're just...going through the motions?"

"Well..." Carly shrugged, looking lost. "I don't know."

"I just feel that after a year we should have progressed. Even if it's just a little."

"Are you...unhappy with this relationship?" Carly whispered.

I only looked away, standing up and walking over to the door and back. I avoided Carly's eyes.

"Freddie. Are you unhappy with our relationship?" Carly said, louder and clearer now.

"Carly...I've been unhappy for quite awhile," I admit.

She inhaled deeply and looked down. "Oh."

"And I...I should have said something earlier, but...you are my best friend and I do love you...just not -"

"Freddie," She said, looking up and I could see that she was crying. Damn it, I felt like complete and total shit and I hadn't even told her the whole thing yet. "What brought this on?"

I said nothing, looking down at the ground.

"What brought this on?" She repeated, loudly this time as she stood up.

_"Why do you keep doing this, Sam?" I asked the back of her head._

_She turned to me fully so we were face to face."Because I love you," She whispered. It had taken her three weeks after I had said it to say it back to me._

"I...It's..." I stammered, trying to get the words out. How do I say the words that are going to crush my girlfriend?

_"We have to tell Carly. And I mean it this time," Sam said. _

_"I know," I said, moving forward and taking her hand in mine. _

_"One of has to be the one...or both of us?" Sam asked, unsure._

_"One of us telling her is better."_

_"Okay." _

"Carly..." I looked up into her eyes. "I slept with Sam."

Her eyes widened and she stepped back as if I had physically hit her. I looked down guiltily. "I slept with her more than once."

"You what?"

_"I'll tell her, Sam. She's my girlfriend." _

_"But she's my best friend." _

_"That's why its better coming from me. I'm just her asshole cheating boyfriend. You're her best friend in the whole world. Practically her sister." _

_Sam had winced when I said 'asshole cheating boyfriend' but she nodded. "But I'm still the bitch of a friend who slept with her boyfriend no matter what," Sam said sadly. _

_"Its better she hear it from the jackass," I said. _

_"Please stop calling yourself that," Sam said sharply. _

"I slept with Sam," I repeated, looking her in the eye this time as I said it.

_"It's been a month, Freddie. Gibby already knows about us. I'll just tell her."_

_"No. I said I'd do it and I'm not going to chicken out now," I said firmly, kissing her to get her to drop it. "I love you."_

_"I love you, too," and we fell back on her bed._

"You...you...you slept with Sam?" Carly said, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"I know. I know what I did. I know how horrible I am."

"Oh, you do?" Carly shouted, stepping forward. "Were you aware of what you were doing while you were doing it?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"So you were both 100 percent consensual?" Carly snapped.

"Yes."

_"You've had plenty of time to tell her these past few days! You know what, fuck it. I'm telling her," Sam shouted, trying to walk past me._

_"No, I'll tell her!" I said, taking her arm._

_"Let go of me, Freddie," Sam glared at me. "I'm going to tell her and take whatever I deserve because apparently you're too cowardly to do it."_

_"I'm not cowardly!" I shouted._

_"Then why haven't you told her?" Sam shouted, pulling her arm out of my hand roughly and pushing me._

_"Because it's hard! Have you even tried to tell her?" I shouted, pushing her back. "Have you ever had to look at her face as you were about to tell her you've been fucking her boyfriend?" I said and I pushed Sam into the wall, holding her arms on either side of her head._

_"No," Sam whispered. "But I've thought of it. I tried telling her after we kissed on the fire escape."_

_"Wasn't so easy, was it?" I whispered._

_"That doesn't excuse -"_

_"I know," I nodded, crushing my lips to hers._

"I know nothing can excuse what I did, but -"

"Fuck you," Carly spat, hitting me on the chest with both her hands. Carly never cursed.

"I know I deserved that -"

"Oh you deserve much more than that!" Carly cried, hitting me once more.

_"Mmm, you look extra cute today," Carly smiled, kissing me. I smiled into the kiss at the nice compliment. She wrapped her arms around my neck and peppered my face with kisses. I opened my eyes and I immediately froze when I saw Sam down the hall, standing with Gibby. She shook her head slowly at me and before I could push Carly away - which I did a moment later - she turned around and ran. Gibby glared at me as he followed her._

"You son of a bitch," Carly screamed, hitting me repeatedly.

"Car-Carly please just let me -"

"I can't believe you! You slept with Sam? You slept with me best friend? Why?" She started to sob.

_"You're a fucking liar, Benson. And I was stupid to fall for your stupid charm."_

_"Sam, listen -"_

_"You were just using me," Sam cried, walking away from me._

_"No! No, I wasn't!"_

_"You told me you were going to tell her, I've waited and waited, but you didn't tell her. Because you never were going to tell her! I was just your little on the side action because you weren't getting any from her!"_

_"Sam, that isn't true and you know that! I love you, you know that!"_

_"Actually, I don't! I thought you were fucking different, Freddie! I thought I was more to you. But you're just like ever other guy. I was ready and willing and so you took what you could get!"_

_"Sam, no! Would you just -"_

_"Fuck off!" She turned and shouted at me, shoving me hard enough that I fell onto the pavement. "I always told myself I wouldn't end up like my mother. Always told myself I'd be better than her. But you come along and I end up being the Pam 2.0."_

_"Sam, god no, that isn't -"_

_"I don't want to hear it!" Sam said, wiping away anything resembling tears. "Whatever we were, whatever we were doing, it's over. We're done."_

_"Sam, please," I said, tears of my own forming._

_"I'm not going to be your whore anymore, Freddie."_

_She walked away before I could protest the words that were not even remotely true._

"I hate you! I fucking hate you!" Carly screamed, sobbing. "Get out! I don't want to see you. Just leave!"

"If you'll just let me explain -" I said thickly.

"You've done all the explaining I need," Carly said hotly. "Now get the fuck out of my house. We're done. We're over."

"I understand," I said with a nod and turned around.

"Jackass," were Carly's parting words. But as I closed the door behind me, all I felt was relief.

* * *

_4 months later - Graduation Night_

I sat in my chair on the fire escape, letting the feel of the quiet night air envelop me as the faint sounds of Carly's party drifted onto the fire escape.

After that day, it had gotten worse before it even started to get remotely better. Sam and I had already stopped seeing each other, Sam, Carly, Gibby, and when he found out, Spencer - all hated me. For weeks none of them talked to me. But by the way I never saw Sam or Carly together, I assumed they weren't talking either.

I tried to talk to Sam a few times, but she would just glare at me and tell me to go fuck myself because she couldn't be bothered to do it anymore.

We didn't do iCarly for weeks because Carly wouldn't talk to either of us. Our fans were confused but we just told them all in an announcement on the site that we were taking some time off for personal reasons.

I might have had Sam after all of this if I had just told Carly sooner. Sam wouldn't have believed that I had just been using her. We would maybe be together. But I had screwed it all up with my cowardice.

For the past few months I think we had all just taken the time to heal. We were all able to tolerate each other enough to do a few more iCarly episodes for the fans - last week had been our last one. It had been bittersweet - and I wish we could have all been the best friends we once were that night so we could have handled the sadness of it ending together. Instead Carly had just left the studio afterward, Sam had followed slowly after her and Gibby just sat down on the ground and did nothing.

I had stood there, watching Gibby do nothing for a good ten minutes before I turned to leave as well.

"Sam misses you, ya know," Gibby had said all of the sudden, making me turn around and look at him. He had barely said ten words to me himself since the whole mess had gone down.

"What?" I asked softly.

Gibby stood up and walked over to me. "Look, dude. What you and Sam did was pretty horrible -" I closed my eyes and nodded. "-but...I've realized that it wasn't all you and that...well, you're human. We all make mistakes. What you did was horrible...but that doesn't make a horrible person." I looked up at him in surprise. "I've focused all my hate on you when you didn't deserve it. You deserved a little, because...come on, you cheated on Carly. But you don't deserve all of it."

I nodded slowly, not sure what to say.

"And...for a long time you've seemed like you could use a friend," Gibby said. "And I'll be that for you."

"Thank you," I whispered hoarsely, clearing my throat. "That means a lot to me, Gibby."

He patted me on the shoulder and left the studio, leaving me alone. I left soon after that.

So for the past week I've had one of my friends back. I explained to him my side of it all and that I really did love Sam, so much. Still did. It hadn't just been a fun little fling for me. It had meant everything.

"Hey," I heard and I turned around in my chair in surprise. I was shocked to see Sam standing there.

"H-hey," I stammered, standing up slowly. "What are you doing here?" I asked in wonder. I had seen Sam milling around the party and I had even tried to talk to her - I was so proud that she graduated with the rest of us - but she had stopped me before I could even get a word out and walked away. So why was she here now?

Sam shrugged, coming out onto the fire escape. The scene was very familiar as she came over to lean on the railing next to me.

"Pretty crazy, isn't it? Us all graduating."

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"I just wish we were all..." She trailed off.

"Friends again?" I asked.

"Yeah," She nodded. She laughed and looked at me. "We royally screwed everything up."

"Yeah, we did," I nodded. "But, I just want you to know," I looked over at her and caught her eye. "That you weren't just a good time for me. When we were together...to me, we were making love," I said quietly.

She looked like she didn't quite believe me, but I also saw hope in her eyes.

"God, that sounded so corny," I said, trying to break some of the tension.

"Yeah, it did," Sam agreed and we laughed together for a moment - and it felt nice to be laughing with her. Our laughter died down and I felt her shoulder bump against mine. "But I have to grudgingly admit...it was sweet."

"Thank you," I smiled, looking over at her.

"So...I just talked to Carly..." Sam trailed off and she averted her eyes from mine.

Carly must have talked to Sam soon after she talked to me.

I was walking down the hall to go the fire escape because frankly, the party was boring me and I needed the fresh air, when Carly stopped me. I was weary at first, but she assured me that she hadn't stopped me to yell at me, to call me names or hit me.

"I just wanted to say...you hurt me a lot. What you and Sam did...it was the greatest betrayal in my whole life," Carly said brokenly.

I winced. The guilt washed over me. "Carly, you'll never know just how sorry I am about what happened."

"I guess I won't. Because it's hard for me to understand how you two could do what you did." I opened my mouth to try and explain further, but she held up a hand to silence me. "This wasn't exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, anyway. I just want to tell you...despite the hurt you caused me...despite your betrayal, you'll probably always be one of the best friend I've ever had."

The fact that Carly could even say that, could still call me her best friend made me feel even more guilty. "I wish I could have loved you the way I thought I did all those years ago...I wanted to love you."

Carly nodded sadly. "I've had a lot of time to think over everything these past few months and I...I realize now that I was unhappy in our relationship too. I just didn't realize it." I stayed silent. "I'm not saying that excuses what you did - nothing can ever excuse that - but...I understand now that...that we weren't right for each other. We didn't love each other the way a couple is supposed to...the way you and Sam love each other."

I looked up at her in surprise.

"I know you, Freddie Benson. Despite that fact that you're a complete ass...you're actually a good guy," She said. I felt horribly that she was even saying I was a good guy when I was clearly not.

"No I'm not, Carly. A good guy wouldn't cheat on you."

"No, the right guy wouldn't have cheated on me," Carly corrected. She shrugged. "I know you and I know the only way you could ever cheat on anyone was if you loved the person you were cheating on them with. Truly, deeply. If it was real. I'm not saying that I forgive or that all is right with us...but I think I can forgive you one day. And...just know I don't completely hate you anymore."

She smiled softly and kissed me on the cheek. "We should never have gotten back together in the first place," She said. "Go get her, Freddie. You love her." She then started to walk away.

"Carly!" I called. She turned around. "You'll always be my best friend as well."

She smiled in response and then walked away.

"She kind of...I think Carly gave us her blessing..." Sam said, sounding confused.

I turned to Sam. "Yeah, she basically said the same to me." Sam looked at me. "Sam, you're nothing like you're mother. You never will be. What we did was wrong, yes. But the fact that we did it while Carly was still my girlfriend...it didn't cheapen it for me. It meant everything to me, Sam. And I do love you. I love you so much." I looked at her earnestly. "I was just scared. I was scared to hurt Carly. Not because I love her or that I have any feelings for her, but because she's my best friend. It was hard to get those words out."

"If it was so hard...why did you keep insisting you do it? It would have been hard for me too, but I would have done it."

"Because, Sam. I had to tell her. It would have been even more cowardly of me not to. We weren't just keeping a secret from our best friend. I was keeping something from my girlfriend. It wouldn't have been right otherwise," I explained. "To tell you the truth...if we hadn't gotten together, I know Carly and I would have broken up anyway. It might have been later than it was...but we still would have. I was never even really sure I wanted to date her when we started dating."

"Then why did you date her?"

"Because that's what I thought I was supposed to want. For so long, it was Carly, like you said - at least I thought it was. So I thought now that she wanted me back that I had to want her too. But I was wrong and I was too scared to break it off when I should have."

Sam sighed and slowly moved her hand over to mine and I didn't protest when she slipped her hand into mine. I just smiled and threaded our fingers together.

"This is going to be really hard," Sam warned.

"I know," I nodded.

"You're going to college and I'm...not," Sam sighed.

"Yeah, but I'm still going to be in the state." Sam just raised her eyebrows and looked down. "And we'll make it work."

"How do you know we can do this?" Sam sounded scared. I hated when she sounded vulnerable. It wasn't very Sam-like.

"Because I love you," was all I said, taking my free hand and cupping her cheek, turning her head so we were looking at each other. She smiled and started to lean forward. I mirrored her action and leaned forward too. Our noses touched and Sam said, "I love you, too."

And we kissed each other, the kiss full of the love we felt for each other and guilt free for the first time since our first kiss on this exact same fire escape four year ago.

* * *

_Rivers and Roads_

_Rivers and Roads_

_Rivers till I reach you..._


End file.
